Forever 29. Nerdy hippie. Single mama. Pagan nature lover and an intersectional feminist. Queer. Ravenclaw. Open minded, but very opinionated. I am honest to a fault. Domestic abuse survivor; recovering addict and spoonie. Vape enthusiast, tobacco free for almost 3 years. Aspiring foodie - teaching myself to cook for a little over 5 years. I love to paint and read. I'm always sarcastic. I'm creative and quirky; an introverted (INFP-T) daydreamer. I'm a completely disorganized and forgetful planner and a spontaneous adventurer. » Learn more?
Welcome to my new blog, and thanks for stopping by! I hope you find something here that interests you. If this is your first time visiting, you’ll probably be wondering how things work…
What is This Blog For & Why Should I Register?
Loose Lips is a partially protected personal and lifestyle blog. Therefore, a vast majority of the entries here are public, while the small remainder will be placed under a filter, which you’ll need to register for and be given access to.
I got addicted to opiates at the young age of sixteen. I have dealt with chronic back pain for even longer. The week before I started 11th grade, I ended up in the hospital because of the terrible pain I was in. They admitted me and kept me there for a full week, doing a whole slew of tests and scans, and every one of them came back with a different result that negated the previous one. They finally just decided they didn’t know what was going on and sent me home so I could start school the very next day. Turns out the one test they didn’t do (an MRI) was, of course, the one that would’ve given them all the answers they needed.
My mother and her boyfriend, I found out years later, basically lied and bullied my doctor into giving me pain medication, claiming they couldn’t get me to a pain management specialist even though they both went to one themselves every month. I don’t understand the point, but I do know that that decision has changed my entire life since that point.
It started with Percocet and Vicodin and progressed from there. At 18, I finally had that MRI and found out that I have herniated discs and degenerative joint and disc disease, as well as scoliosis, spondylolisthesis, and something wrong with my facet joints that I can’t remember the name of. They continued to prescribe me opiates, as well as muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatory medication. I lost my health insurance when I turned 19 because I wasn’t enrolled in school, but a family member was kind enough to give me some of the extra that they had for themselves, and what started as 5mg quickly increased to 10, 15, 20, and 30mg. By the time I was 21, I was taking upwards of 60mg a day.
By age 22, the pills weren’t working anymore because I had developed such a high tolerance. My boyfriend at the time had started using hard drugs and during a really rough time with my back pain, he offered me some of his, explaining that it was the exact same thing as morphine, just in powder form and a hell of a lot cheaper. I reluctantly agreed – I was so desperate for relief, I probably would’ve taken anything anyone gave me at that point.
I felt so disgusting; I was always extremely anti-drugs and alcohol, having grown up with an addict (step)father, but I couldn’t deny the fact that it worked so incredibly well. Having no insurance, if I wanted relief from my pain, I had to resort to buying drugs off the street which were insanely expensive. One 80mg pill was $50 or $60, but I found I could get one bag of dope for $10 or $15, which meant I could get a lot more for my money, and it lasted a lot longer. It was like a Godsend; a disgusting, addicting, life-wrecking, soul-stealing Godsend.
It, of course, went from medicinal use to an all out addiction rather fast: even if I didn’t need to use, if I didn’t have it I would get extremely sick, and withdrawals can be harder and scarier to deal with than the drug itself, which I know sounds totally irrational but is the Gods’ honest truth.
By 26, I had watched my then-fiance overdose several times and come very close to overdosing myself on more than one occasion. Several people I knew had died, and I was terrified that my fiance or I would be next. I decided that I was going to get sober and deal with the pain, even if it debilitated me. I didn’t want to die, and I couldn’t watch the man I love die either.
We had tried half-heartedly to clean ourselves up a few times, but it never stuck. After a close friend of ours died on Christmas, I was serious about getting sober and begged him to do it with me, but he just wasn’t ready. I made the hardest decision of my life and broke up with him, hoping that would straighten him up. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.
I knew that I had to limit my access to the drug or I’d never win the fight, so I had to distance myself from all my triggers – my friends who used, my dealers, my family and the stress they were causing me, etc. I received an invitation to go out to California for a few days for a vacation and to meet some online friends, and I didn’t have to pay a penny for any of it. I jumped at the opportunity, knowing that was my best chance to get clean once and for all.
I was on a plane about two weeks later, and I stayed in California for 11 days. The first 3 days were horrid – I puked non-stop and felt like death’s incarnate. After those first few days, though, I felt like I had been reborn; it was incredible. Those next 8 days were the best in my life. Having to leave after them was absolute torture.
I came back home and I was determined to stay clean, but it was so hard being surrounded by so much temptation. After 3 days of being home though, I was asked to fly back out to California indefinitely, and I agreed without a second thought. I knew it was where I belonged; I had never felt so at home ever before, and I knew it was my best chance at creating the life I wanted for myself, without the toxicity of the drugs or addict friends or stressful family or anything else that had been keeping me down for so long.
Shortly after flying back out, I thought that I was head over heels in love with this guy, and I thought he felt the same way about me. That’s a story for another day, but the short version is that I was very wrong on both accounts and my life from that moment on spun completely out of control as a result, and I’m still picking up the pieces to this day. He turned out to be a crazy hardcore alcoholic and an abusive monster. I turned out to be pregnant.
His mother assured me that once our baby was born, he’d straighten himself out and be a good dad, so I stayed for as long as I could, despite him getting increasingly worse as time passed.
By the time my daughter was born, he had gone completely off the deep end and I could no longer live under the same roof as him. I moved into his father’s house while he stayed in the camper in the driveway, pissing in empty beer and whiskey bottles so he didn’t have to come inside, spending all his time making plans to run away with 14- and 15-year-old girls on the internet because that’s appropriate behavior for a 32-year-old man. On the rare occasion that he wasn’t drunk, he was a good guy and I wanted so badly for that guy to be a part of mine and my daughter’s lives, but it became increasingly clear that it just wasn’t possible to separate the two. I gave him several more chances than I should have, and each one ended worse than the last.
Long story short, he was sentenced to prison for what he did to us and will be there for a very long time. I’m back home in New York now; I’ve had no contact with him, but his family tries to contact me every couple of months and to ask for information about Eleanor, which they get blocked for because I know they’ll pass it on to him and I don’t believe he has any right to her after what he did. She’s mine.
Despite all of what happened, I’ve miraculously stayed clean and sober through all of it, minus a little hiccup once but I turned it right back around and got back on the bandwagon. I know that I’ve got a little girl depending on me, and that’s a huge responsibility and I’m grateful for it because the old me would’ve drowned myself in anything I could get my hands on. I’m now over 5 years sober and extremely proud of myself for the woman and mother I’ve become.
I’m a 31-year-old hippie bitch with a mood disorder who’s done just about any drug you can think of off the top of your head… But I’m also the only one left out of my group of friends who’s still alive; everyone else is dead from overdoses. I don’t have a job right now because I don’t have anyone to watch Eleanor while I work, so I feel like a complete waste of space most days, but being here for Eleanor during this time is more important than any job I could ever have. I still ask myself every day how and why is it that I’m the one that’s left? And the only reason I can come back to is her. Eleanor, my amazing little faerie girl. She’s gonna do something amazing some day, and I can’t wait to watch her grow up and help her along her way to greatness. I’m so glad that I cleaned my act up and will be here to see it all. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to go across the country to get sober the way I did, even though it turned out bad in the end. I wouldn’t be here without that opportunity, and I wouldn’t be the strong and independent woman and mother without the trouble I went through out there. I wouldn’t change a second of any of it.
My Eleanor is pure magic; I don’t know how two fuck ups could come together and make something so pure and perfect, but we did and she’s incredible and I’m so honored and grateful to be her mama. She makes every day worth living; she’s the reason I get up in the morning and go to sleep at night. She gives me purpose. She makes me want to be a better person, a better woman. She is the best thing that ever happened to me; she absolutely saved my life, and continues to save my life every day. I’d be nothing without that girl and I am in awe of how amazing she is and how she could possibly have come from my body, after all the times I’ve abused it so badly. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but this little girl is a firecracker; she is too smart for her own good, her heart is so kind and caring and giving; she loves without question or discrimination; she is honest without hesitation; she’s inquisitive as hell and always eager to learn new things. My girl, with her long messy blonde curls and her big bright blue eyes… She comes from the stars. She’s not sugar and spice and everything nice; she’s light and magic and love and peace.
She should be starting school this year, and I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with myself yet. I’ve got a few options on the table and I’ve still got some time to figure it out. Right now, I’m just enjoying the time I’ve got with her while she’s still home and soaking up all the moments I can because they go by so incredibly fast, and I’m so, so grateful to have them after all that we’ve been through in our short time together – sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve her, but I just try to soak her up, even more, those days because I think those are the days I need her the most.
I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately and a lot of it has been tugging at my heartstrings in all the right ways, and it’s made me toss around the idea of starting a little weekly feature with a song or two that have especially stood out during the week and, if I can muster up the words and sentences, maybe an explanation as to why they’ve hit me so hard.
And since I am who I am, I decided to start it off with a big one this week with a big one…
My best friend, Holly says she tried to introduce me to A Great Big World about two years ago and I didn’t listen, and I must’ve been stupid not to because now that I’ve discovered them myself, I can’t imagine ever passing them over.
They’ve got the song, “Say Something” with Christina Aguilera that everyone has heard a million times by now. It’s gorgeous and perfect and makes me bawl my eyes out every time for reasons I can’t go into because there’s not enough Xanax in the world to make that an okay scenario right now.
Anyway, I honestly had never thought of them as a band outside of that song before the other night, but I got curious and procured their album, and I’ve been absolutely obsessed with them ever since. I’ve found two more songs that I’d like to try to talk about and see if they might not be a little easier for me…
First, “Already Home” lyrics “Don’t you know that you’re all that I think about? You make up a half of the whole” and “Don’t you know that I spend all my nights that I spend all my nights counting backward the days til I’m home?” got me right off the bat. The “Love only we understand” part – I wish I could explain without everyone thinking I’m crazy. This song is perfect for the relationship that I had/have with Jimmy and it puts things into the words I could’ve never done myself.
Then there’s “You’ll Be Okay”, which thankfully comes right after “Say Something” on their album, “Is There Anybody Out There”, because by this time I’m always sobbing. The lines, “Change will come; It’s on it’s way. Just close your eyes and let it rain, cause you’re never alone and I will always be there.” are so powerful to me. I’ve always been one to go out and play in the rain when I’m feeling like I’m going to explode. It’s cathartic as fuck. Since Jimmy passed, I haven’t had many chances to do so, but I feel him with me always, especially in those moments. I feel like my life is finally in a period of flux and is going somewhere, I just don’t know where; All I can do is hope and pray it’s somewhere better than it is right now…
Have you ever listened to A Great Big World before? How did you feel about them? What are your favorite songs? Let me know in the comments!